After much anticipation on the so called matter. I've decided to let you all in on MY, @GFOTY'S(<-- thats a link!) TOP 3 DRINKS for each occasion, whether it's a romantic night in (swoon baby swoon!) or a day in the park (casual cool!)
Babies, no matter where you are, here's what the drink vibe is..
A dinner for two <3 - A BOTTLE OF RED (a bottle of vodka in the bathroom which you swig on the D(own)L(ow): Keep it civil with just ONE bottle of wine, this will prove you don't need alcohol to have a good time and be relaxed. LITTLE DOES HE KNOW!!! That you're downing the bloody spirit in the bathroom with out his his f**king knowledge! HE'S SUCH A FOOL :-)
In the park on a Sunday :-) - Bucks Fizz: Show your guy you've got STEEZE by swankily dropping the Champs and OJ flex.. It's very cheap in stores like Marks and Spencers, and incredibly tasty (yum!) They have two for one deals sometimes, but once again - the old dutch courage never fails you so get on it early and drink some absinth at yard before meeting your beau. (I chose absinth because it smells minty, so he'll think you've brushed your teeth.. Clever huh?!1!?
A late night phone call - WHATEVER YOU WANT! (which involves alcohol):GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS.. Boy's don't want to here what you have to say! Let him know what you've REALLY got to say by drinking the drink of YOUR (yes UR!) choice!!! Drinking before that all important phone conversation will give YOU (yes U!) the confidence to talk SEXY! Remember, keep it down right dirrrty (like xtina) and send some pics! This should totally work (I say should, when i really mean WILL. LOL!!!)
A good something to go by when phone cybering is this song below.. Good old Remson, I salute you <3<3<3
Why just last week, I had 2 guys on the go.. I will call one Jarvis, and I will call the other one Colin (For law suit purpouses..) Anyway, I was walking down the road with Jarvis one day in LONDON TOWN!N!N!N! And through the window of a taxi I could see Colin sitting through the clear clean glass drinking a cup of hot coffee..
This got me going.
So.. Jarvis had obvs not met Colin (because obviously I'd be single if that happened) But he saw the way I was looking at Colin and asked me why i was eyeing him up from a far..
I didn't know what to say..
It hit me that all I need to say is that I like the taste of coffee and I wanted a Starbucks..
In that instance, Jarvez whisked me off my feet and in to the nearest Starbucks where he bought me a LARGE BLACK AMERICANO.
This is where I unfortunately happened to bump in to a Large Black American man who happened to be Colin.
SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT??
I panicked and soiled myself all over the Starbucks floor, and tried to run for the bathroom but happened to slip into my own Soil.
NEITHER JARVIS OR COLIN DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I was a dumped women... :---(
THEN!!! GOD HAVE MERCY!!! GOD DID HAVE MERCY!!!
A lady with a nice <3heart<3 picked me up and took me to one side, held my hand and we tenderly walked off in to the distance. She told me a Nunnery was waiting my way, and that lots of good feelings happen there.
I smiled, thinking about the feeling of being in a safe, lovely, women run brothel..
A little birdy once told me that a mans car size is relevant to the size of his massive (or not so, oi oi wheyyy!!!) PEN15.. I tested the roads and drank the water and have concluded the below statements and facts.
THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY WOMEN! THIS IS HOW TO TELL WHOSE REALLY GOT MOXY ON THE STREETS.
Guy 1: TAKE A RIDE IN MY FORD AND ILL CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD
A safe, friendly, choice to opt for when picking a guy with a good sized PEN15, It's clear that he's not worrying about the size of that thing so he's playing it cool, calm and collected on road so that when he does meet one of us fine specimens, we'll be in for the ride of our LIVE'S GURLSGURLSGURLS!!!!!!! He's holding his gear stick firmly meaning he knows how to control us if we get out of hand, and he's got a clear sense of direction because he's using NO navigation system ( you get me??!?1 ooohhh sassy!)
PEN15 RANKING: 3.5 inches wide, 9.5 inches long. Not too big . Not too SMALL.. A perfect paradox of smoothness and roughness and a night of paradise and well being. (I CAN BUT ONLY DREAM :-((((( )))
Guy 2: THE GEE WHIZZ EXTRAORDINAIRE.
This guy's got STEEZE and he knows how to show us! He doesnt need a flash car to show off the size of his whopper, anyway, we can see by his 'come to bed' eyes that he aint taking none of us for a slow and easy ride.
Guy 3: THE HUMMER HUMDINGER (ooohhohoh!!!11 YEAH!!!1!1!1)
This guys hot, horny, and an ALL OVER ---> HUNK. HOWEVER, he's hiding his heaving little hefty PEN15 behind his RiDe. First things first.. His tyre's flat.. So how's he even gonna drive this TING?!? A tricky situation I believe! A wise man once told me, if you gotta a big car, you got something to hide, and with that in mind please read below for the.......
PEN15 RANKING OF A LIFE TIME: # : :! ---> 2 inches wide and 5 inches long
<3 <3 <3
FINALLY!! MY PERFECT GUY ON ROAD.. THIS IS MY GUY. THE ULTIMATE GUY FOR ALL GUYS.
(I reckon he's hiding a little more then a PEN15 disaster.. dead body? dead mouse? SATAN PERHAPS?!?!?!?! ) (Scaryyy!!! *shudders*)
THERE'S TOO MANY WAY'S TO CONTROL YOUR MAN LADIES!!! Today I will share three of those ways.
WAY 1: Watch a sad movie with him.. Then when something bad happens, burst in to fits of tears and tell him it reminds you of the time you lost your g-string on the tube so had to walk home with no panties on underneath your miniature leather skirt.
WAY 2: Tell him he's allowed to cheat on you. Then when he does, burst in to fits of tears and tell him it reminds you of the time you lost your g-string on the tube so had to walk home with no panties on underneath your miniature leather skirt.
WAY 3: Look through all the stuff in his room and throw out everything you don't approve of. Then if he happens to get angry at you ( MEAN :-( ) , burst in to fits of tears and tell him it reminds you of the time you lost your g-string on the tube so had to walk home with no panties on underneath your miniature leather skirt.
It's my bday party tonight and i'm going in HARD, (that's what she said teeeheeheee!!!)
So basically. I 've invited 107 special people, who happen to funnily enough be all the guys i slept with and one girl (cringe! OMG I WAS LIKE 14 AND EXPERIMENT(al)ING) It's a weird coincidence TB-perfectly-H with you but i think the situation will go down quite well and cool..
I'M SO EXCITED. I'VE MADE A CAKE UT OF ALL THEIR SEPARATE SEMEN!
I went to the zoo yesterday and was heavily influenced by the way some of the monkeys picked fleas off of there significant others tails..
But it made me think.... Maybe there really is no true love out there for humans like me.. I mean yeah sure i'll delve in to my honeys nose for new exciting germs which maybe later on in life I can breed, and most definitely I would (for sure) go in to his rubbish, whilst searching for cheating evidence, perhaps find the odd tissue which i will keep in my purse for when i get lonley (and h0rny oioi wheeyy!!) but I simply would not do that of the Golden-Tailed Monkey and brush away the many lice from my guys tail..
Is that bad?
Tip of the day: Don't go to the zoo if you have deep heart felt emotions with animals.
MET UP WIV LE BERT TO TALK ABOUT GUYS. SHE'S SO FASHIONABLE. IF YOU WANT TO MEET FASHIONY GUYS I RECOMMEND WATCHING THIS USEFUL VIDEO OF USEFUL INTERESTING ADVICE ON HOW TO BAG ONE.. (BAG ONE.. SEE WHAT I DID THERE!!!)
I was alerted with this today, and although it hasn't been made FOR me, I found it very apt to how my bedroom manners work. It's really adorable and sweet and it's just how I want all my romances to work. SOBBING HARD RIGHT NOW. awwww!!!
I'm currently writing a feature for THIS SIGHT HERE!!! And I'm feeling a bit low spirited. I mean, yeah, I'm a great GF and all and I mean, I tick all the right boxes, but when it comes to marriage I panic because I have absolutely not the faintest clue in the world about what I'm gonna do on our first night in the bedroom together!
I can get down and dirty and all, but I wanna do something which is gonna be really special. Like I thought some roll-play where we would reverse parts so I'd be the husband and my husband would be the wife.
Then I thought casual B-j's but instead of using my mouth id use a slippery pot or plastic cup and blind fold him and then when all his stuff has come out of his thing id feel it to him in the slippery cup..
It's been one of those weeks where there's no one really around to keep me warm at night, so instead I've been busy away on the Youtube looking for people I can set my eyes on.. I was in the middle of doing my bikini line for like the 5th time this week (Cringe, but I'm Mediterranean blooded!1) and I stumbled upon this!
Anyway, I thought it was ultra cool/kwerks so I managed to find an email address in order to send one of of them a picture of my bikini...
I never got a reply :-(
So I emailed again and think I might have got a date out of them!
I'm gonna dress low key but i'm gonna learn loads about music this week, so just keep checking for updates about my d8.
So I was reading my fav teen mag yesterday when the bar was really raised... Sexting - Can it get you arrested? To put it bluntly NO! Unless if "arrested" means, arrested in the district of <3love<3, then we most deffs can (SWEET huh!!! ???) Well not if you do it like I do.. You gotta be subtle when sending a sexy text to a sexy lad. I know how, do you know how? Here's how!!!
DONT DO THIS. WAY TO SUBTLE. This alone could get you dumped, firstly there aint enough cleavage, major dilemma!!! Take your bra off and push both your arms in towards your chest to give girl a natural cleave.
What the devil does this mean? Three words girls, WRONG WRONG WRONG. " "ICTIC" or else I'd want you to Fuck me like the witch/woman I am baby..." Your hot hunk is gonna get so confused by this, like totally! I'd opt for something more along the lines of my next tip, from my own phone to my own boyfriend!!!
This is so adorable!!! I sent it to my honey last year, WE LIKE TO USE EMOTICONS TO SHOW OUR ETERNAL LOVE BLOSSOM FOR EACH OTHER <3<3<3 The best thing about using funky pictures is that if a police constable was to see it and wanted to take you to court, you could make up any old story about what it really means and you'll be off the hook in no time!!!
Maybe something like..
Me: "You thinking what i'm thinking? Smiling at something good, or happily laughing at my new waterproof lipstick??"
My boyfy: Both!!! SHUCKS!!!
My boyfy (again): You should happily laugh and make your self cry
Me: So you want me to buy my lipstick all over your Tuesdays?
My boyf: Yes my love
AND THERE WE HAVE IT!!!
A safe and funky way of sending wonderful words and pictures to the guy of yours and my dreams.
It's that time of the year and you know's it! SUMMER!!!
It's funny that when we go on holiday we think the unacceptable is so acceptable, why just last Christmas I came back from Jersey with cornrows. (CRINGE!!!)
Anyway, the same goes for Holiday romances. I always end up with the guy who is discovering himself who writes harmonious poetry and plays guitar bare footed on the dock of a bay.
THIS IS NOT COOL.. (AT ALL!!!)
I'm gonna now disclose how to steer clear of these LOSERZ - And how to end up with the Titanium Amex-ed hotty in the 5* Deluxe penthouse suite of only like the coolest hotel around..
Go to a surgeon and get surgery to sort yourself out. <---WICKED!
Teeth whitening. UH HUH!! (do it!!!)
Tiffany and co's heart bracelet. (Buy it!!1)
Blonde hair (Dye it!!)
D&G bikini (Get one!!1)
Forget about cat's. Get a small dog and give it an ultra cute name! (Jasper?!?!)
Okay so the 6 special rules have been laid out.
Now you gotta stumble in to the guy of your holiday dreams. - Find out what room he is staying in, and give the maids a little tip of some sort so you can wear their uniform for the entire rest of your stay.
The trick is, to stay in his room 24/7 now and clean for him.
Hope it's been a really cool week for all of you, no matter what age or city! <3 (awwwww!!!)
I'm gonna be working really hard in the GFOTY recording studio tomorrow to make my debut album so now you can subliminally take in all the goss and guy help you need whilst you're sleeping now. Cool huh? -
Anyway, I thought it would be a cool idea to give you some tips for writing music. Make you guys a little aspiration board of some kind to help you along your route to multi-platinum success.
1. There's this cool bloke named Eminem/Marshall.M and he raps about really controversial stuff!! Some people find him a bit upsetting but he's edgy and that's what makes him special! - Try looking up some of his lyrics and basing your lyrics on his..
Try something like one I made earlier "I wanna kill a guy - before he kills me - and then preserve his dick in a conservatory" !!! Kinda wicked lyrics!!!
2. Adapt a new style!!!
Lady Sov is a great stylista to go and emulate. Her sweet and sassy style puts a softer edge towards your new Rap career. Side pony tails give the effect of a happy galloping pony (and we know what that mean's don't we gurls?!) BOYS LOVE HORSES.
3. WEED. Invest in some! learn how to roll up wicked massive weed cigarettes and smoke them till they're dry! This will finish off your new rap persona and will make people realise just WHO YOU ARE ( you're you girls, and never forget that<3<3<3 ) The wicked think about mari-j is that it gives you a really wicked stance about yourself, and lyrics will naturally come to your head. Guy's will think "Corrr! This hoe knows. She's so sick. I wanna rap with her."
These three simple steps should all put you on the path to the new and classier YOU. If you wanna try these steps backwards there's a whole different out come! More of a UK hiphop vibe.
I'm a fan of rubbing it all over my body and then sunbathing in the sun so it gives the effect that in fact I am the steak. Here's how!
1. Rub Garlic all over yourself. 2. Don't forget the Dijon Mustard! 3. Spray some extra virgin olive oil 4. Mix the steak in a food processor 5. Rub the steak all over yourself 6. Go to a hot country 7. Lie in the sun for 1 minute on your front 8. Then one minute on your back 9. Keep alternating sides! - For 5 minutes! Hey presto!
Chatting up a shop keeper? Trick is, BE SUBTLE. In 11 words which have two syllables or less I'm about to share with you the gold dust which gave me the key to every shop keepers heart. (AWWW!!!) (Here's one I took earlier!)
Here we go!... You're in a shop, you're buying some womanly dispensables and you're running low on 20p. You wallow a bit, and lovely Mr Shopkeeper man says "It's okay love, take it" You wallow a bit more (but this time wallowing of joy) and then loudly reply, "SWEETHEART! IF I WASN'T PREGNANT... AND YOU WERE TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER.." You then walk away, briskly. He'll be slightly astonished and taken back by the comment. The pregnant comment will give the impression you're a baby making genius, <<--- SWELL! He will then swiftly chase after you. Before you know it, Bing Bang Boom! You've got his MSN address, and maybe even his Bebo!
First dates can be tricky. You don't know what to wear, you don't know what you're gonna order, but most importantly... FRiGgIn HeLL! What the devil are you gonna SAY?!
I've comprised a little package in mostly picture form to guide you along your way to a better, healthier and more substantial, 'Dating Woman Of The World'.
WATER FROM THE TAP
A CHEAP SALAD LEAF: (WATERCRESS PERHAPS?)
A SEXY DEVIL OUTFIT TO STAND OUT FROM THE OTHER DINERS AT PIZZA EXPRESS?
SAY NO MORE, SHE LOOKS FINE!
OKAY! So picture package is now sorted, it's time to give you some lingo.
When kissing hello you should stutter "You smell like a guy I used to get with!" This will put him at ease as he now knows that other men wear the scent he was once worried about buying. Not anymore though! Sweet!!!
When eating repeat, "You smell like a guy I used to get with!" It will be ecstasy to his ears because it will make you look a little clumsy and cute and a bit forgetful.
When it's time for Sexy Love Making you can really say anything, I'd opt for, "I thought I was horny but turns out it's just pretty sweaty down there!" Makes you seem like you're in to sports, and all boys like sports!
I JUST ONE BIG BUCKS ON THE FOOTBALL GAME! And I now have enough to buy myself the new Take That single! BEAUTY!!!
Nothing sucks more then being the only one in a group of pals who is single whilst slow jams are playing. So I've decided to exit the love fest and instead enter the dove nest by trying out the new Dove body lotion on my cat!
I get so excited when I see a hot babe in a pair of sexy specs, I almost explode in all regions!
Anyway, the real matter is, "How the hell do I get my self one of these guys?"
BEHOLD! ! ! ! ! I have some great advice and some fantastic facts about guys with glasses to ensure we all have one inside of us by the end of the afternoon.
Guys with glasses see worse with out their glasses on, meaning looks aren't essential with this species. I suggest you wear less, and learn more <- (This leads me on to my next point)
Guys with glasses see the philosophical things in life as a turn on. Try reading a book on astronomy, physics or karma-sutra for that special bond between two people.
You must beware that your Guy with glasses isn't a faker. The easiest way to tell this (with out taking off his glasses and trying them on for yourself) is to look at his outfit. Ifhe is wearing Hightop trainers with tight bright jeans tucked in, a top saying "I ♥ (anything)" I reckon he's a faker. You'll also probs be able to tell he's a faker because the rims wont have frames in, this is generally an evident sign.
If the glasses look like pedophile glasses, he probably is one. Don't get involved.
Hope this helps a little bit. Here's a picture to get you through your day!
Never tell the truth if the truth is, you stayed at home with your gurls watching Hannah Montana and eating Malteasers ... A much better story is, your friend Colin took you out for drinks, and you don't really remember what happened. Jealousy always works in your favour
Sometime's crying can work in your favour!!! If you think your man may be close to ending things, pretend something dreadful has happened so then he'll feel guilty and will have to stay with you for a bit longer. (This is possibly one of the best tricks of the trade)
As I said in my FIRST EVER POST, Just to be quite frank, DON'T SPEAK! EVER! No seriously, if you don't speak, you'll enable yourself to avoid pretty much any argument, tiff and most importantly any fight. You're making it easier for the both of you. Just lie back, open up your legs, occasionally your mouth (sometimes your back way) and just let him enjoy the ride.
AND IT WASN'T MATCHINFINITY.COM (Although I've found a fair few in my time)
Anyway darlings, here are some crucial rules when setting up an account on a non dating website when you're trying to find a date...
I just created an account on this WKD website --->> MY PARTY GENIE (.com!!!) <<--- It allowed me to actually stalk any guy of my choice to find out WHAT and WHERE and WHICH party they would be that night!
Last night one member said they were gonna be at China White, he was TALL, HANDSOME, and DARK! I rocked up to the club in my favourate rainbow coloured tee, my jimmy choo's and I ditched the panties out of the cab window, and voila!!! I found him! Now we're party mates and we're gonna stay in contact via the website!
HEY GURLS! I'm taking a break from bagging boys today, because not only myself (GFOTY!!!!!)BUT ALSO Sexyfashionblog (LEBERT!!!) Have been spotting a ridiculous amount of street animals drinking RED BULL (gives you wings!!!) LOOK!!!!
I was waiting at the train station last night.. And i was waiting for my friend and he was running late.. So I needed to catch some attention to other passer-boys (play on words!!!) in the street... In a rash move.. I decided to burst in to tears and urinate and then jump in to the nearest swimming pool (Shoreditch house!!!)
I am so in love today!!! *cough* *yawn* *smile* SO !!! I've been receiving emails from my fans asking me to help them out with present ideas for their lovely boyfriends!!! I chose the top three to give advice to..
1. Chelsea from America, kindly emailed in asking me if I thought the below was a good idea for her boyfriend, Drake for Christmas!!!
That's an awful idea!!!! I hope it's not too late bbz!
2. Crystal from USA, It's her boyfriends 18th !!! (awwww)
Crystal!!! Go straight for the sex, that's all he really wants! You've wasted an awful amount of money. (However the Brownies are a cool idea!!! - have you traced them with anything? GOOD GOING GAL!
3. A lovely man actually emailed in with his advice as to what to get them for gifts!!!
There we have it... Some good old fashioned weights for some good old fashioned dates!!!
I'm going to a super cool club night tonight.. AND IM GONNA GET LAID!!!
My technique for tonight is to act cool, calm, and savvy.. My tips for the day are to play it cool when you're on the pull.. I recommend not sleeping with someone unless he's REALLY REALLY REALLY cool, like he should own a car and have a degree in being a bachelor!!! Im so excited.. Has anyone got and suggestions on what I should wear??? I was thinking a pink boob tube and some booty shorts, but then again I don't wanna come across to reserved, so maybe i should wear no bra? OMG i'm so confused!!!
I realised that lingo is sometimes a problem when it comes to talking dirty with the guys!!! SO... I decided to give you some useful words which MUST be put in to your next sexual conversation with a fella.
Word of the day: Stiltzkin
Stiltzkin is a collaboration of Stilton and Foreskin... You'd use the word when your in bed with man.
EXAMPLE? WELL HERE WE GO!!!
Boyfriend: Hey bitch, wheres the blow-j @?
You: OH ITS COMING
Boyfriend: Hurry the fuck up.
You: I hope it's Stiltzkin down there.. I haven't eaten for days
£5 to save a child in Africa from getting Scurvy...
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE!!!
It only takes 5 minutes to set up a dating account on a website and find 5 MEN who live really near you!!! Don't believe me? JUST FOUND THIS GUY! And we're meeting up for a drink (OR TWO!) in a few hours...
OUTFIT? - I'm wearing NOTHING!
DRINKING? - STRAIGHT PROSECCO!!!
EATING? - OYSTERS (natural aphrodisiac!)
SLEEPING? - HIS!
CONVERSATION? ( Still don't know :-( I'm scared and I'm nervous )
So basics, today i went shopping, and despite the weather shining I decided to not go boy hunting, but to instead by this for my NEXT ENCOUNTER!!!
I want him to be TALL-DARK-AND-HANDOME Then I'll charm his snake with my skills i learnt from ♥THIS LINK HERE♥ (CLICK THE LINK TO SEE!!!) Obviously you girlywirlies are meant to be taking my advice BUT I SIMPLY COULDN'T RESIST THE CUTE ADVICE - AWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
I love pink, and flowers and rainbows too still obviously, but today i just wanted to kink it up and about!!!