YOU'LL FIND HIM ON A SHIP, AND BOY WILL YOU FIND HIM WRECKED! IT'S ONLY RICKY BIEDUL!1! (hover over the name to find a link!)
We met up for a formal chat about what he wants when he wants it and why. GRAB A CAMERA GIRLS, AND TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS POST! BECAUSE THIS IS HOW TO BAG A MAN LIKE RICHARD BIEDUL.
Interview starts...
Hey YOU! So tell me, how far in Kilometres do you want that girl to go?
I like a girl to go that extra mile. If she starts an uncomfortably close friendship with my parents, I know she's a keeper
CHANGE OF FONT!!!
WOAH! You're talking in MILES! Imagine this scenario... You're at a pub quiz and you're with a potential new partner, if she didn't know the answer and she went on her IPHONE 4 (again hover over IPHONE 4) to find the answer.. What would you think?
I like women with an inquisitive nature. The more inclined she is to hunt through my belongings the better.
And there we have it darlings! Best of luck and follow him on TWITTER! (hover over TWITTER! and click)
Get your intimate male companion a happy ending massage! In your head you'll think he'll take a hint, propose to you, and give you that baby you're waiting for. In his head, he wont. But he'll really have a good time.What a Treat!
WELL DONE GIRLS! By now I should have taken you from being a 'Girlfriend Of The Weak' to a 'Girlfriend Of The Week!' Here's an overview of what you should have learnt so far.
How to Goat
What to do when you get bored (facial hair, not on you)
Big busts don't = Big win
Porn works
You love the size of your boyfriends girth.
So now we're gonna step it up a bit. This week's all about cooking for your man. Im not talking no Nigella Lawson ladayz, i'm talking Nigella Pornson. So get the oven mits on babes, we're going in HARD.
To get started, theres one very important rule. DITCH THE APRON, and get something similar to this:
Ditching the Apron's a must. No man wants to feel like he's being fed by a butcher. An outfit like this will make our men feel excited and at ease and will probably wanna skip straight to dessert (if you get my jist, and i think you do!!) This will get you off the cook hook.
NB: If you're big boned, I suggest not following this tip. Remember, we don't wanna give him a heart attack!
Happy monday girls! Hope your lads have had a good weekend most importantly.
I thought I'd let you in on a few sweet nothings to tell you're honeyz.
First things first. He doesn't wanna know how sweet smile his or about his great sense of humour, GOD! He wants to know what we REALLY think. HERE'S HOW TO DO IT!
Write a list which goes a little something like this... (I'm only gonna give you a few because i don't want you to copy me..)
TO [Insert name here] HERE ARE [insert number here] REASONS WHY I LOVE YOU:
You're really good in bed.
You have a MASSIVE penis!
You have an incredible sized girth!
You're testicles are the perfect size!
You can cheat on me whenever you want!
Again, the list is endless, why just last week i wrote over 30 in 3 minutes! Anyway i do hope you try this technique, and please feel free to comment with some of the ones you wrote to your hunk.
Pretend you've only slept with people named Colin. It's a real silly name and it will make your boo feel superior to all your past liaisons. (this is unless his name is Colin, in which case pretend you've slept with no one)
Wear crotchless underwear over another pair of knickers. It comes across slutty, but not too slutty. It will make him wonder what underwear you're wearing underneath the crotchless ones!
Get his name tattooed across you're wrist like i did earlier! You should probably do it towards the beginning of your relationship. This will make him feel cleverer then you, and this is what all men want to be!
Get a job in retail. Remember girls, our boyfys are the ones who deserve to have the better jobs, right? To go against this crucial rule would be going against our guys. You gotta make sure that you don't speak to anyone though whilst at work because you'r boyfriend doesn't care about how your day really was. We want to know about HIS DAY!
Having trouble keeping your guy interested? A technique which i like to call "goating" is a regular on my GFOTY check list.... HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
For one day, and one day only (a month) try to get in the mind frame of a guy. You should talk like one, dress like one, and even go to the bathroom like one! When your fella see's you doing so, it will make him want to propose to you!
I don't know the science behind this one but it seems that "goating" is the way forward.
So here's a suggestion that I can't believe I haven't already told you! It will blow you're man away.
So theres an app on the iphone, it's called IHOUND.
It was initially created to track your phone from your MACbook(pro) when it's been stolen, but I figured out that it's actually a way to show your man you care (loads).
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS! IN 5 SIMPLE STEPS!
Get the app on your boyfriend's phone when he's not looking. Put it in a folder he'll never look at.
Wait for him to leave yard.
CHECK HIS EVERY MOVE ON YOUR LAPTOP!
Keep a diary so you can write down exactly what time and where he was.
When he get's home, YOU should tell HIM about his day, and question him about each location he was at.
This is so cool because it shows how interested you are in him. He will be so impressed with you! Don't believe me? Try it out!
NB: If he gets a slight inkling as to how you are suddenly psychic, he might leave his phone at home so you can't track him. If this is the case you get the chance to look though his texts which is only like the sweetest thing a girl can do. It shows devotion, love, and compassion.
GIRLS. A MAJOR FYI RIGHT HERE. CATCHPHRASES ARE THE BOMB! To make sure you are a nominee to be a GFOTY you should keep these 5 love song catchphrases in your head at ALL times.
"How can I live without you?" - (occasionally follow it with a gentle whisper of "i want to know") - Leanne Rimes
"And I wish that you could be the one I die with, and I pray that you're the one I build my home with, I hope I love you all my life" - Daniel Bedingfield, If you're not the one
I've been alone with you inside my mind, and in my dreams i've kissed your lips a thousand times" - Lionell Ritchie, Hello is it me your looking for?
Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, i'll be watching you." Every Breath you Take - The Police
"Don't want to close my eyes, dont want to fall asleep, cos i'd miss you babe, and i don't want to miss a thing" I don't want to miss a thing - Aerosmith
How much he will love this! If you mess up on one half way through, pretend you think you're pregnant and he'll forget that you forgot the words. BLISS!
TOP THREE WAYS TO STAY FRESH FOR YOUR BEAU ON HOT DAYS LIKE THIS.
WAY 1: Carry fresh panties on you at all times. This is so that if your feeling promiscuous on a day trip out, you can take the spare pair out of your bag and exclaim, "HEY LOOK MY BOYFRIEND, I've taken two pairs of underwear out with me!
He'll ask why, and you'll just wink at him.
This will suggest that you don't really know either but you've taken the effort to do so, so it must be a good idea.
WAY 2: Cry each time the sun goes behind the cloud and exclaim that each time it goes behind the cloud it reminds you of the time you put the fresh pair of panties in your bag.. He'll not only wonder why you're crying because of that, but he'll probably think it's slightly sweet/over bearing. It will make him want time away from you in which you can go on to FB and look totally hot etc, it will make him want you back, and that will keep the relationship fresh!
WAY 3: Buy a new hat. It will stop you from sweating, and you'll look like a fool most probably, but!!! this will work in the same beneficial factor as WAY 2 (see above) did. He'll hate it. And then on FB/bebo/myspace(?) He'll see how cool you look and will want you back in no time.
I've always wanted to know how to mix HOT babes with FASHION, so I hooked up with the Kwerky Fashionista Blog Phenominon LE BERT to find out what totally digs her world when she want's to dig a man. GET A NOTEPAD SISTERS! This one's a keeper.
Hey GIRL! What are you're Top Tips for looking hot for your babe?
Look as fucked up as possible, consider not eating for a day before you see him - this will make you look easy, but traumatized. Hot.
Wash your hair day at least one day before your date, the end’s will be clean but the roots will be greasy, which will remind them of sex
Hold loads of stuff (at least one Starbucks cup, at least one blackberry or 1phone 4, at least 3 bags, maybe a pair of shoes, definitely no food) this will make you look flimsy and feeble. He’ll totally want to rescue you. Modern day sleeping beauty, get me.
Oh I sure get you! And what do you recommend on cooking for you're boo when he's new?
When you first have your new man over for dinner remember to make something boozy. Hopefully if your dating the right guy he should cook for you but if you're unfortunate or ugly I would plump for coq au vin – no explanation needed.
No explanation indeed, saucy! So tell me... how would YOU persuade YOUR boyf to start dressing well?
Unfortunately there’s only one answer to this: it starts in over and ends in draft. To get your man looking sharp you need to smack the plastic, hit the shops and give him some impromptu presents. If he asks why, say he gives amazing head. He’ll never leave you.
I'll take that on board girl! What I really want to know is, what would you do if you started to get bored of your bf?
Facial hair.
I presume you mean on him?! Us babes always get stuck when it comes to these three letters, 'S', 'M', 'S'. Any SMS tips?
When SMS-ing a potential bf remember this, boys only care about three things, funny, sex and cool. Work at least two of these things into each text and he’ll be poking you on fb and inviting you out to the Alibi after no time at all.
(NB, Alibi, or any other hotspot about town)
Any suggestions on what to wear when meeting the parents? (See, Meet the Parents)
Wear leggings, dad will appreciate it and mum wont think you’re a slut. They’ll probably think you’re a drama student though so make sure you tell them you’re not.
Being in one a long dist yourself, you must have some good words of advice on ways to make it work, how should we survive a long distance relationship?
Good question. Get used to passive aggressive emails popping in to your inbox every morning. No, its not that bad.. Think of all the air miles. I’ve got a frequent flyer card, jealous?
Thanks Bertie! And finally, give me 5 words which are best applicable when trying to be GF of the year.
Not psycho, not bitchy, not jealous, not fashion-forward, not yourself.
Take an online quiz on www.allthetests.com/ and answer all the questions correctly! When your man see's that you got 10/10 he'll go 10% mad! A man seeing that you know how to use the internet will really get him going! It will also suggest that if you can get the answers to this test right, you'll always get the results to any test right, (incase you don't know, Pregnancy = negative) One tip though girls! Like I stupidly forgot to do, HIDE THE EVIDENCE THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE A SCREENSHOT ON A MAC OS X BEFORE SHOWING HIM THE TEST RESULTS.
Its hard to be a GF of the year. But with simple steps and small lifestyle changes you can too, learn to be a #1 GF. Before starting the programme you need to make sure you rid of all the BS stopping you from making this life changing person.
#1. No more blackmailing. Unless its completely emotional. Then that's fine. #2. Stop reading 'Cosmo', and start reading 'Real Life' or 'Love It'. Cosmo manages to make us feel powerful in wrong ways. If you read 'Real Life' it enables you to get in the mind of REAL WOMEN who have the power to write life changing stories, and if those women can write with power, they can sure be GFS of the Year. #3. Go to a Beauty Salon and get a Brazilian. Even better, get a Hollywood. Having one of the two suggests to your Boyf that you are a child. They will then think they have complete power. Little do they know that it's actually you in the power because you decided to get the wax job in the first place. Works a charm. #4. Get UGG boots so that then your boyfriend can get you to stop wearing them. When you stop wearing them they will exclaim to their lads, "My girls the best. She had some buttz UGG boots and then i asked her to stop wearing them, and the bitch did exactly that!" They'll fall at your feet. Literally. #5. Similar to the last one. Pretend your a vegetarian for the first few months. If he takes you on a date, order the tof-acon carbonara, or the tof-eggs benedict (eggs florentine) but stash some porkrinds in your jacket pocket and have a few toilet breaks. Then after a few months suprise him with a home cooked Pig Roast, and tell him for him you'd do anything. Doing something like this will make him exclaim to his brothers "My girls the BOMB! she used to not eat meat now she's all over it!" He will also see your sudden meat eating fetish to something similar to giving great Blow j's so in fact it's a win win. Finally #6. Don't take anything to heart. If he hates your mum, so do you. If he doesn't like your voice, don't speak, and most importantly, if he doesn't like your friends, get some new ones.
